Originally published at Thoughts of a Simple Man.... You can comment here or there.

It has been about a year since the last time I wrote anything. The joy I once felt putting pen to paper has been smashed out of me by the depression of real life issues. I have always been an organic writer, the words flowing to me from the ether or my muse, whatever you wish to call it. I have been blocked or the well has run dry. My creativity has left me, or has more likely been stiffled by all the crap in my real life. I know I need to fix this, but as yet I don’t know how. Hopefully you guys out there can help. So I’m asking you all how do you get past issues that affect your pursuit of your dream?

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

Well it has been a LOOOONNNNGGGG time since I wrote one of these. Many things have changed since I have. One thing hasn’t, I’m still unemployeed. My health has gone to pot in the past 7 monthes and I have started on insulin injections. So far the insulin has done nothing to lower my sugars and everything to raise my stress levels. I have to nightly stick a needle in my abdomin. Not fun for the guy who hates needles. Mentally I’m about gone. Depression over not finding a job, failing my family, and an overall apathy toward my ability to be a good husband and father has settled in. I just don’t know what to do.

So there is my quick update as to the status of my life. Maybe I’ll do this more but probably not knowing myself as I do.

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

мебели софия
I know I have been out of touch and not really updating anything, my blog or twitter. I’ve just been really stressed and not sure what way I’m going or what way I’ve been. As it turns out I’ve had a good reason to stress over the job front anyway.

I’ve had my suspicions that they would be closing our composing site for a while. The books were shrinking at a rapid rate and we were working fewer and fewer hours each week. That didn’t prepare me at all for what happened.

On Monday we found out that the whole company, Yes, you heard me right, THE WHOLE COMPANY was getting the axe. They were shutting down the publishing part of the business and concentrating on the .com part. That will put a ton of people out of work, including me. After nearly eight years I’m getting the axe. I know that I complained like hell about the politics and petty bull shit of this place, but this was the first job I got in design and I had worked myself into a nice comfortable place, free of most of the stress that working offers.

Now I have to move on, into the unknown and find my place. The biggest issue is to determine what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m not young anymore, and the prospect of just excepting any job just to have money coming in makes me cringe, but I have to keep my family afloat. That is the most important part that my family can enjoy life as they have it, and not want for anything.

Geez, I just don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. It is so new that I am still numb from it and I’ve been escaping from it the past two days. I guess I just have to face it and move on, and pray that my life will get better. It will at least allow me to get out of this rut that I’m in.

Take Out the Trash from the album “The Else” by They Might Be Giants
mebeli

Technorati Tags: family, life, unemployment, workmach zehnder modulator

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

I know I haven’t been around for a while but I wanted to let you all know I am still here. Work has been stressful and my relationships have been confusing to say the least. I have been escaping into world of warcraft which I am sure doesn’t help and quite frankly my health just sucks. I did get something today which brightened my day and put a much needed smile on my face.

It was the picture that my daughter made while at daycare. I asked her teacher and she said that Emma wanted to make it for daddy because he has been so sad lately. I can’t say enough how much my little girl means to me and how miserable my life would be if she wasn’t in it everyday. It meant so much to me that I am still a little teary eyed over it. She is my hero, as much as I appear to be hers. I love you my little girl, so much.

My Hero from the album “The Colour and the Shape” by Foo Fighters

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, kids, life, love, daughter

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

It would seem that due to my sickness over the weekend I will not be doing NaNoWriMo this year. I hope to try and do some writing and to go to a few of the write ins and write more than I have been in a long time. I just think with all the stuff going on in my life and my general health issues that I can’t pace myself to actively complete NaNoWriMo this year. I’m sorry to all my friends if I am letting you down, I know that I am letting myself down. There is always next year.

Empty Spaces from the album “The Wall” by Pink Floyd

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, illness, life, NaNoWriMo, writing

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

I know what you dirty bastards were thinking. The C-Word in this post is Confused. Thats what I am right now. I am confused about a great many things actually. This has a lot to do with the fact that I stopped taking my depression meds about 10 days ago. I now know what a junky feels like when he has withdrawal symptoms. I am not the same person I was just a week ago, and I really don’t like it at all. I’m anxious, disoriented and find it hard to deal with more than one thing at a time. The last one is the one that bothers me the most, I’m used to doing ten things at a time and getting a lot done. Right now, I’m lucky to get through this post without totally forgetting where I am and what I’m talking about.

The worst part is that I’m not sure if it is the drugs or the fact that my wife had betrayed me yet again that is bothering me more. I found out that she is still talking to some guy on Second Life, that has caused us issues in the past. I have asked that she stop talking and hanging out with this guy, who she tells me is just some dude online, she doesn’t know his name and doesn’t care for him other than as just a friend. She has basically chosen to be his friend and to talk and hang with him rather than respect my wishes. It makes me confused as she says one thing and does another. She says I mean the world to her but yet she still continues a relationship which will put all of that in jeopardy. It is obvious that this guy means more to her than she is telling me. I hope that is the case because the alternative is that I mean less to her than she says. Either way, she isn’t telling me the truth.

So here I sit confused and alone with my thoughts. Which at the moment is not an entirely good place to be. I fear that the damage to my marriage is not repairable. I know that I am far from an innocent here, but if she asked me to stop talking to a friend to save our marriage I would. I just fear that she has been hurt by me so many times that she will never be able to trust that I have changed. I’m not the man that hurt her in the past, this loss of medication has showed me that I have made a lot of progress in that department. Like everything, I am far finished, and I probably never will be. I shouldn’t ever stop trying to make myself better, and improve the person that I am. I am just confused at the moment. Confused and afraid that the old baggage and “chains that I forged in life” have weighed down my marriage and my relationship with my wife to the point where it can’t move forward and improve. the trust is gone on both sides and that is the saddest part of all.

I’m just confused and scared. I fear for my kids, and the damage I am doing to them. I am confused and lost and don’t know what to do to fix it. I hate not knowing how to fix it.

The C-Word from the album “The Song Of The Day - May” by Beatnik Turtle

Technorati Tags: emotions, fear, life, love, marriage, pain, confused, relationships

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

Pass it on.

Technorati Tags: change, life, news, vote

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

Its a lonely life I live and I live this life to go
And if I leave you with one thing its just that I want
You to know
Ill still be loving you tonight.

I left flowers on your table, left the lock on your door.
Staked a claim in your heartlands, put grain in your store.
Ill still be loving you tonight.
Got fingers on the button of that telephone dial.
Call in and move your mountains, fill your spaces while
Im still loving you tonight.

You want to know how I can leave you?
How can I move along this way?
Too much of a good thing can make you crazy
And its a good thing that happened to me today.
Ill still be loving you tonight.

Its a lonely life I live and I live this life to go
And if I leave you with one thing its just that I want
You to know
Ill still be loving you tonight.

Ok this is just how I have been feeling. I know you are all probably really sick to death of hearing about my miserable life. I just need to work on it and music helps me, it really does. I also have to say that my online friends and the ones that I have met only a few times (you all know who you are), have been the most supportive and caring people to me. I appreciate every last bit of support and love. It has help more than I can ever say. I’m having a hard time but I’m working on my life and I am trying to improve it and make up for a lot of mistakes that I have made. Your support has meant so much and I can never thank you all enough.

Still Loving You Tonight from the album “Catfish Rising” by Jethro Tull

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, life, love, marriage, music, pain, friends, relationships, The Tribe

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

As the song goes, “somethings gotta go wrong cause I’m feelin’ way too damn good.” The past two days have been better at home. I have been more attentive to my wife and her needs, she have been off SL and trying to make family and me first. I just have this feelin’ that something is going to go wrong and destroy the bit of happiness that we have found. I thought for sure it would have been when she found out about my friendship (strong friendship) with a woman friend of mine. I know that this relationship hurt my wife and I assumed that it would mean the end of my marriage. We have decided that we need to forget the past and move forward. I just hope that the future holds happiness.

Feelin’ Way Too Damn Good from the album “The Long Road” by Nickelback

Technorati Tags: change, emotions, family, honesty, life, love, marriage, relationships, Second Life

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

Ok I joined a gym on friday last week. My wife joined with me to make it a family/relationship builder if we work out together. We met with a trainer on Tuesday and the workout went well until I nearly passed out. I have this habit of remembering what I was capable of doing, and thinking I can still do that like 10 years later. I pushed my body and not it is in full revolt. I didn’t listen to it when it was screaming “Stop this now you idiot!” and now it has totally gone on strike. In fact I think if my legs could they would succeed from my body and form their own sovereign nation. I know it is a good thing to get in better shape and be healthier, but why does doing things that are good for you have to hurt so much?

On to better things, and a healthier future, and hopefully far less pain than I have now.

Get in Line from the album “Disc One: All Their Greatest Hits 1991-2001″ by Barenaked Ladies

Technorati Tags: exercise, pain, work