Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

Well it has been a LOOOONNNNGGGG time since I wrote one of these. Many things have changed since I have. One thing hasn’t, I’m still unemployeed. My health has gone to pot in the past 7 monthes and I have started on insulin injections. So far the insulin has done nothing to lower my sugars and everything to raise my stress levels. I have to nightly stick a needle in my abdomin. Not fun for the guy who hates needles. Mentally I’m about gone. Depression over not finding a job, failing my family, and an overall apathy toward my ability to be a good husband and father has settled in. I just don’t know what to do.

So there is my quick update as to the status of my life. Maybe I’ll do this more but probably not knowing myself as I do.

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

I know I haven’t been around for a while but I wanted to let you all know I am still here. Work has been stressful and my relationships have been confusing to say the least. I have been escaping into world of warcraft which I am sure doesn’t help and quite frankly my health just sucks. I did get something today which brightened my day and put a much needed smile on my face.

It was the picture that my daughter made while at daycare. I asked her teacher and she said that Emma wanted to make it for daddy because he has been so sad lately. I can’t say enough how much my little girl means to me and how miserable my life would be if she wasn’t in it everyday. It meant so much to me that I am still a little teary eyed over it. She is my hero, as much as I appear to be hers. I love you my little girl, so much.

My Hero from the album “The Colour and the Shape” by Foo Fighters

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, kids, life, love, daughter

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

I know what you dirty bastards were thinking. The C-Word in this post is Confused. Thats what I am right now. I am confused about a great many things actually. This has a lot to do with the fact that I stopped taking my depression meds about 10 days ago. I now know what a junky feels like when he has withdrawal symptoms. I am not the same person I was just a week ago, and I really don’t like it at all. I’m anxious, disoriented and find it hard to deal with more than one thing at a time. The last one is the one that bothers me the most, I’m used to doing ten things at a time and getting a lot done. Right now, I’m lucky to get through this post without totally forgetting where I am and what I’m talking about.

The worst part is that I’m not sure if it is the drugs or the fact that my wife had betrayed me yet again that is bothering me more. I found out that she is still talking to some guy on Second Life, that has caused us issues in the past. I have asked that she stop talking and hanging out with this guy, who she tells me is just some dude online, she doesn’t know his name and doesn’t care for him other than as just a friend. She has basically chosen to be his friend and to talk and hang with him rather than respect my wishes. It makes me confused as she says one thing and does another. She says I mean the world to her but yet she still continues a relationship which will put all of that in jeopardy. It is obvious that this guy means more to her than she is telling me. I hope that is the case because the alternative is that I mean less to her than she says. Either way, she isn’t telling me the truth.

So here I sit confused and alone with my thoughts. Which at the moment is not an entirely good place to be. I fear that the damage to my marriage is not repairable. I know that I am far from an innocent here, but if she asked me to stop talking to a friend to save our marriage I would. I just fear that she has been hurt by me so many times that she will never be able to trust that I have changed. I’m not the man that hurt her in the past, this loss of medication has showed me that I have made a lot of progress in that department. Like everything, I am far finished, and I probably never will be. I shouldn’t ever stop trying to make myself better, and improve the person that I am. I am just confused at the moment. Confused and afraid that the old baggage and “chains that I forged in life” have weighed down my marriage and my relationship with my wife to the point where it can’t move forward and improve. the trust is gone on both sides and that is the saddest part of all.

I’m just confused and scared. I fear for my kids, and the damage I am doing to them. I am confused and lost and don’t know what to do to fix it. I hate not knowing how to fix it.

The C-Word from the album “The Song Of The Day - May” by Beatnik Turtle

Technorati Tags: emotions, fear, life, love, marriage, pain, confused, relationships

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

Its a lonely life I live and I live this life to go
And if I leave you with one thing its just that I want
You to know
Ill still be loving you tonight.

I left flowers on your table, left the lock on your door.
Staked a claim in your heartlands, put grain in your store.
Ill still be loving you tonight.
Got fingers on the button of that telephone dial.
Call in and move your mountains, fill your spaces while
Im still loving you tonight.

You want to know how I can leave you?
How can I move along this way?
Too much of a good thing can make you crazy
And its a good thing that happened to me today.
Ill still be loving you tonight.

Its a lonely life I live and I live this life to go
And if I leave you with one thing its just that I want
You to know
Ill still be loving you tonight.

Ok this is just how I have been feeling. I know you are all probably really sick to death of hearing about my miserable life. I just need to work on it and music helps me, it really does. I also have to say that my online friends and the ones that I have met only a few times (you all know who you are), have been the most supportive and caring people to me. I appreciate every last bit of support and love. It has help more than I can ever say. I’m having a hard time but I’m working on my life and I am trying to improve it and make up for a lot of mistakes that I have made. Your support has meant so much and I can never thank you all enough.

Still Loving You Tonight from the album “Catfish Rising” by Jethro Tull

Technorati Tags: emotions, family, life, love, marriage, music, pain, friends, relationships, The Tribe

Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.

Hello again all of you patient people out there. I have been going through a lot of stuff in my personal and professional life in the past week or so. I near got myself fired last week but it did accomplish one thing. I am working on getting a new job. I have finally had it with the middle school politics and my boss and is cliques in this place. If you aren’t related to my boss or related to who he is sleeping with you get ridden about every little thing. I can’t take it anymore and I need to work somewhere that is more professional and I might have room for advancement. My personal life has also taken a turn for the worse. My marriage is starting to fail and I’m not sure if we can repair it. My wife and I have both escaped into our video games. I have Age of Conan, she has Second Life. She plays her game all the time. I’ve tried to cut back on mine, be more interactive with the kids and her, but I feel that he doesn’t see. I spent 2 hours on the game in the past two days. But during those two hours her mom came by to visit and I got yelled at for being on the computer. She on the other hand has rarely come to bed before 12 am and has been as late as 2 am. She is always on and I don’t say anything, I’m just done with the whole argument about game time. She can do want she wants on there as well. She has been a player and had virtual sex with many partners and recently she had a steady boy friend online. I know that I have not been a saint in my past, but I am hurt by this virtual exploration she has been doing. I know I should count myself lucky that it has just been online, but there are still emotions attached to the whole thing. It hurts, it hurts a lot. I know I am the last one who can complain about being hurt by my relationship. God knows I’ve hurt her so much that I’m not even sure why she is with me. I just feel that most of this is happening as her way to get revenge for my errors in the past. I guess I just have to either live with it or move on. I’m really not sure which I want to do, but I suppose she has some say in this as well. I guess for now I wait and see, but I can’t go on like this forever.

Viva La Vida from the album “Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends [Bonus Track]” by Coldplay

Technorati Tags: Age of Conan, emotions, family, fear, life, love, relationships

So here I am, already four days into the new year and what am I doing? The same thing I always do, I'm existing. I've been existing for so long, I really think it is all I know how to do. I need to make a change. I need to find a way of improving my situation, and my life. I wake every day and I just go through the motions. I do what I need to do and I don't plan for the next day until it begins. I need to have a plan and I need to change the way I interact with life.

My first resolution (God I hate that word but it fits here) is to write more. I've tried in the past with daily goals and soon, due to the unstable nature of my household, I find that I miss a few days and then I fall out of the practice. This year I am going to try something new. I am setting weekly goals, 3500 words each week. By doing this if I get to write one day and not another I still have time to catch up on the word count and if I fall short by a few I can still catch up during the next week. I'm hopeful that this will keep me writing all year, even if it isn't every day. If I can do it, I'll write enough for 2 novels this year.


On a more personal front, I want to try and enjoy my life more. I want to spend more time as a family, doing family things. I tired of the every man for himself attitude that has pervaded our home. We all come home and go and do our separate things. We barely know that there are others in the house. We almost ignore each other. I want to try and change this attitude. I want to have family games, that we are all involved in. I want to be a family. I need to be more expressive of that feeling, and all others for that matter. It just bugs the hell out of me when one of us goes to do something and the other assumes that we are gone for the night and goes looking for something else to do. It just needs to stop. I've only got a few ideas and hopefully they will work. In the long run I want us to be a stronger family unit.

Well, thats it. That is what I have for the New Year. Hopefully 2008 will be everything that I believe it can be. I can hope can't I.

Oh and a couple more things. I want to stay in more contact with my friends, both online and off. I would also like to go to Balticon this year and meet some of the great minds that infest my online community, that would help make it a perfect year. Just need to figure out the money.

First the apology. I am sorry for not having posted here in a while. I have been quite busy, mostly with my personal life, but also with my writing ambition. As regular readers will know, I participated in NaNoWriMo 2007 this year. It was my second time doing NaNo, and I did much better this year than last. Lat year my totals were in the 28,000 word range. This year I accomplished much more, and probably could have won, if we had not planned a trip to disney on the 30th of November. I originally hoped I would only lose that day, but it turned out that I lost the last three days of November to packing and getting ready. I am proud of what I did and I really want to finish this novel. I may never do anything with it but I do want to finish it.



On to other matters, we just got back from a five day trip to Disney world. It was fantastic and gave me some much needed bonding time with the family and especially my wife. We have been having a difficult time lately and getting away from the home and just being together really helped, me at least. I hope that my wife feels the same way. The kids really enjoyed the trip. I enjoyed being able to see them so happy and having so much fun. My son loved all the rides, except my favorite, the Haunted Mansion. Overall the trip was great, just very fast paced and busy.I have to say that I enjoyed being a family and that was something I couldn't really say before. I am putting a lot into my family and I hope that my wife can see that and will do the same.

So that has been what has occupied my time the past several weeks. I hope to be able to update more often, especially as I start to finish my novel, the title of which is In the Shadow of the Past. Once I finish it and edit it, I've been think of podcasting it. We'll see. I'm not sure if I have anything to offer the world but I would like for my novel to be heard, even if it is never read.

Well so far so good. I got 1278 words done this morning in about 45 minutes. I was also able to be a part of the morning activities in the household. I hope to write another hour maybe more tonight but it has turning into a busy evening. I want to go to the NaNo Providence Kickoff Party tonight and My friend Dave invited me over to paint mini's and talk, which I enjoy doing. My plan at the moment is to go to the kickoff for about and hour or so then head to Dave's house for a bit. I'll write at the kick off and at my Doctors appointment this afternoon. I'm on pace so far and I hopeful I can keep it going. Wish me luck.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain." Paul Atreides, Dune (1984).


I wish I was as strong as Paul Atreides, but fear is the cursed bitch mistress, that I have danced with for far to long. I have allowed her to paralyze me, hold me back and overall keep me from doing what I wanted and needed to do. I have been fearful of making decisions, fearful that in making them, I will hurt those near me. It is really my own doing. I've closed myself up, locked my emotions away, for fear of being hurt. Most of my troubles have resulted directly from my fear of confront those I had issues with. My fear is my mind killer. I renders me helpless. Big ol' me, who could smash a problem to pieces physically. I find myself wanting to run, rather then confront my issues. My fear is more than the little-death, it seems to me to be giant-death and all consuming.




I need to learn from Paul Atreides. I need to face my fears, confront my issues head on. I need to learn to let the fear pass through me, not well up in my soul and paralyze me. I need to learn to bend like a reed in the wind and stand up for myself. I need to face fear's path, master my fears and only then can I move forward with my life. Only when I am free of fear, can I make something of my life. I need to find the courage to write, the courage to be a better father and husband. I need to find the courage to finally, maybe, be the man I was supposed to be.

So here I am, the crossroads reached, where the hell do I go from here. I take a left and head that way and my life changes. I take a right and even more changes. I can go straight and keep everything as is, but that way will probably lead to more heartache and pain. It is a hard decision.

On the left I have my family and the attempt to salvage my relationship with my wife. This is a daunting road, because the only thing I can really control in this is myself. I can only hope that if I choose this road, that she will see that I'm attempting to be a part of her life. Maybe that will make it easier for her to move away from the game which is driving a wedge between us. It scares me not knowing if I am what she really wants or if I am to blame for her retreating into the arms of Second Life. Maybe I am the problem, and not the cure. I don't know how to fix it.

On the right, this is the bleakest of roads. No street lights, or even other cars. This path is the one where I set off on my own and not look back. This road scares the hell out of me. I would be on my own, I couldn't rely on any help. I would have to forge a life for myself and start over. I am sure that if I choose this road, I would never be able to see the kids, my family would hate me, and I would probably hate myself. It doesn't seem like happiness in any form lay down this road. It is far to dark and foreboding. Or perhaps I'm just afraid.

Then there is the straight road. Push on forward and keep going as is. To do this and be able to survive, I would need to shut down, close my heart back up, so that I would have the illusion of safety. I would be able to stand the pain because I would close down as I did when my grandfather died, and I lost the only positive influence in my life. I would have to be the cold, calculating, unemotional hulk that I was before. I would have to embrace my anger again, as it was a useful weapon to stave off the pain and heartache. Can I do this? I have in the past. I know that it would mean returning to the person that I didn't like very much, the one that was hated by everyone around me. Some choice, huh.

So here I sit, at the crossroads of my life. I know which path to take, or do I? I really don't know which would be the best for me in the long run. I can hope I know. I can hope I'm right when I choose. The fact that I may be wrong is what is stopping me. That fear which has always ruled my life. What if I choose and I'm wrong? Indecision is a horrible mistress.